Military News Analysis - A Smart Foreign Policy for India (Humor Intended)

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In the revised scenario where we see Pakistan, India and the US on one side with the Jihadis on the other, here are a few guidelines for India.

India should demonstrate Ahimsa (Non-Violence) and Hold the fire in Kashmir

India should stop breathing fire in Kashmir, or at least hold the accompanying publicity while leveling Pakistani posts and bunkers, and the eliminating any fresh batch of Jihadis (General Musharraf's Freedom Fighters) sneaking into Indian held Kashmir! Afterall India is the child of the apostle of non-violence, M. Gandhi; since Indians call him the 'Father of their Nation'.

India should make an open declaration supporting General Musharraf's Anti-Jihadi Policy

The mandarins of the South Block should make an open declaration supporting General Musharraf's volte face on the Jihadis. Declare that the Indian government and people support General turned President Musharraf in his belated (i.e. post 11th Sept) fight against Terrorism. India should say that it applauds Pakistan's gesture to make available its soil for launching attacks against the Jihadis.

Indian should offer its riot control expertise to Pakistan in its hour of need

The Government of India should make an announcement offering Indian riot control expertise and its RAF (no not Britain's Royal Air Force, we are referring to India's famed Rapid Action Force - the one that showed its mettle in stopping (sic) the Indian Airlines' IC 814 from taking off from Amritsar's Raja Sansi Airport which finally made its way via Dubai to the now famous Kandahar in December 1999). India should offer its RAF to help President Musharraf fight back the Jihadis in Quetta, Peshawar, Islamabad, Karachi and other Pakistani cities. After all we in Indians have had experience in doing this in Kashmir for the last 20 years.

India should also offer to send units of the Indian army as a Peace-keeping force in Pakistan!

India should make an offer of sending units of the Indian army as a Peace-keeping force in Pakistan to help the overworked Pakistani army to fight off the Jihadis who are trying to storm the airbases of Jacobabad, Pasni and Dalbandin. After all Indians have had experience (albeit not so successful) in sending an Indian Peace-Keeping Force (IPKF) in Sri Lanka!

India should express readiness to sign a 20 year Treaty of Friendship with Pakistan

The Denizens of South Block should declare India's intention of signing a 20 year Treaty of Friendship with Pakistan much in the same way as India had done with another government - not in existence now!

Maybe this can intimidate the Jihadis in Pakistan who are currently threatening to assassinate that 'Honorable' Man called - Prevez Musharraf! With India and the Indian army firmly supporting him, Musharraf would feel stronger and the Jihadis may feel frightened! Maybe they may! Let's at least hope so.

India should publicly declare that its 'son of the soil' - President Pervez Musharraf is welcome to come back home anytime now!

With India offering a safe haven, Pervez Musharraf would feel reassured that there is one place which he can call home, if threatened in Pakistan. For this, India could sportingly respond to President Musharraf's statement while he was briefing the Editors over breakfast at Agra. Afterall he had expressed a desire to come and settle in his ancestral house - the Neharwali Haveli in Old Delhi; while he was sampling one of the many the 52 course meals that had been laid out for His Excellency at Agra, by his Indian hosts only a few months back!

So India should publicly declare that its son of the soil - Pervez Musharraf is welcome anytime to come back home and settle down, if Pakistan became unsettled due to the present crises of the Military Government versus the Jihadis.

India should Air Al Jazeera's footage uncensored

India should tell Al Jazeera that if CNN, BBC, Fox, etc refuse to air their clippings about the hand signals that the Ameer-ul-Momineen - that accursed SOB Osama Bin Laden (PBUH - Piss, oops sorry we meant; 'Peace' be Upon Him) is sending out to the Jihadis. Then the Government of India can play and replay all his clips over DD (Door Darshan - India's official TV channel) over and over again. After all, if it has missed your memory; India afterall is THE largest democracy; the US is only a far second. After all India has one billion democrats voting its Govt to power; as against the America's few and paltry (although rich) millions!

India should be "a beacon of freedom".... of the Press

India should remember what President George Bush had said while referring to the land of the Big Apple and Big Mac. Taking cue from Dubya, India should become "a beacon of freedom" albeit of the press and air the uncensored footage of the effects of the bombing campaign to "Smoke out" - that Salmon (Suleiman-ul-Islam) Osama Bin Laden.

With an uncensored coverage of the effects of the bombing campaign, the Momineen all over the Dar-ul-Islam will convey their feelings about the Great Satan through lively demonstrations on the streets of Gaza, Ramallah, Jakarta, Quetta, Baghdad, Tehran and maybe also in London, New York, Sydney, Paris, etc.

THE smart foreign policy for India

All in all, this would be THE smart foreign policy for India, at least it would be smarter that the existing policy, in which the Government of India sulks and cribs about the Land of the Pure, Pak-i-stan become a frontline, state once again. It would do well for Indians to remember that those on the frontline have to be the first in the line of fire and also the first to fall to enemy bullets.

It should give Indians some satisfaction to know that the first to fall, in this war, would be Pakistan. And to be on the safe side India can, if it is alert enough, feverishly, but furtively, go about weaponization and make as many nuclear warheads it can, to put on its Agni, Trishul, Prithvi, Shakti, Naag and other delivery systems. Indians would do well to remember that only these delivery systems, if any, can deliver India safely through this war.

The site of the next Beta Testing of India's Nuclear Devices should be moved West of Pokhran; i.e. beyond the Indo-Pakistan Border

And, if and when, Pervez Musharraf falls from power, and with it falls Pakistani nuclear arsenal into the itching hands of the Jihadis(god forbid it though); then India can deliver all its accumulated nuclear arsenal to Land of the Pure Pak-i-stan; so as to land at Quetta, Islamabad, Peshawar, Karachi and maybe also beyond Pakistan; into Afghanistan. Assuming that by then, the War on Terror would've entered its Nuclear Phase; which is Code-named as Phase 3 in Classified Terminology, or so we're told.

While all these fantastic suggestions here are offered with tongue-in-cheek; this last suggestion is THE serious one in this spoof. And we hope, it is taken as such by the GOI (Government of India).

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- Robin McArthur

On behalf of the team



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